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(This story is to be read with the context of our situation in mind. People who have not been with us find it actually very difficult to appreciate … )

Part 2 - hhhssssssssssssssss .............. are u hearing me? ................ hssssssssss ....... bulletin no. 2 .... hssssss

 

zzzzzzzz.....as the electrical impulses intermittently annoy me throughout this
hot and stuffy day in amsterdam, i write the second chapter of the captain's
log, i.e. moi. many factors push me to do this, including:
- the need to give news of my existence to my subjects and fellow viruses
- vengeance against camillu
- inbox decoration in many maltese-owned PCs

so here goes:

life here is like living in an aquarium with noone to watch you except your
fellow fish/crustaceans...i shall focus most on the anniversary of my birth,
since i deem it to be the most illuminating event of these past weeks...
the day started out at 10 am, when i opened my eyes to the sound of my new favourite
song: "tengo una minchia tanta" by frank zappa, that our housemate stijn played
as a tribute to my post-shower presence in his room every day...thanks stijn!
that song is the best way to start the day...anyways, we opened a bottle of
champagne soon after and drank in bed...nice stuff, it gives one a sense of
completion....after drink, elaine, ruth and mark presented me with a gift i
thoroughly enjoyed(ta everyone), aka a cd by a band u would not care to hear
about if u know me well...
so i got out of bed and had a shower (if u're aroused, get a shower yourself,
or else read my book: "179 ways of how to unhornify an individual in few simple
steps")....as i got out of my rinsing, i was presented with another pleasant
surprise...mmmmmmmm....Jamaican Official Inhalational Natural Tubing (one usually
forms an acronym of this long phrase)...it was a giant and heavily loaded one,
and i legally consumed it to the last little bit, before going down the extremely
perilous stairway leading to the front door and onto a tram...trams here are
wondrous things, friendly and lethal at the same time, and if u're in the right
state of mind and body, it endows you with chameleonic powers...and this it
did, for eye witness reports claim that i actually went through a series of
colour changes until i finally had to descend....contrary to what u're expecting
to read, i kept my breakfast to myself, and after some nice bitter lemon, was
able to proceed towards the faculty of medicine where we had to check our mail...checking
mail drunk and stoned is better than dragon khan (eat your heart out camillu!!)
and i was very entertained...
the afternoon was featureless, coz all we did was prepare for the party in honour
of my majesty....
the evening came and guests started coming....rightly carrying gifts!!! yippee,
my metamorphosis into a kid in xmas was successful and complete!!!! we therefore
celebrated by binging on spirits and listening to various muzaks until 11:30pm
when we unveiled the highlight of the evening: LA TORTE DE L-ESPACE DELUXE ULTRAHARDE!!!!!
i say YYYEEEEEEHAAAAAA!!! and fire a few shots from bessie my shotgun in the
air!!! we proceeded to reenact adverts of OXFAM on ethiopian children by pouncing
on the cake and magically making it disappear with a swift motion of the jaw
and oesophagus....i got smeared all over with chocolate, and all the girls present
took part in my new photoshoot where the chicks each licked my chocolate flavoured
face in groups of two....nice!!!!!
then it was time to go out............
mark f. decided against this and retired to his quarters, slipping on the last
four steps, falling in an unknown direction, before finding his bed and falling
into a deep catatonic dehydrated sleep...
we went and started walking to paradiso...
before i continue i must inform you that 3 girls of our contingent, one of which
is our colleague ruth, suffer from a severe strain of the polyuria syndrome,
and they seem also to synchronize bladder contractions with each other....this
was one such occasion and they needed to disappear for a minute...this minute
turned into many and when we started to worry, we spotted them in the distance,
where we saw them try to climb onto a public portajohn to pee there...we wondered
why they still needed to empty their tanks and when they caught up with us we
obviously inquired....ruth had quite a wet and frustrated appearance, and we
learnt that she fell into a canal on her quest to tinkle winkle...ha ha ha....ok
enough giggling...let's move on...
we got there, and it wasn't too expensive to get in, but i didn't care coz whatever
i ate or drank started to kick in with violence and i could have distributed
all my wealth to strangers if i was correctly prompted...i was searched by female
security.......nice again!!!! but i was afraid i'd give her all my money, my
house keys and my passport, which i luckily didn't and i entered.....
that place is WHOA!!!!! it's a church turned club, and plays weird music with
acoustics of a church and looks of a church so it's like some kind of 3D sci-fi
film with futuristic vampyres...i was deeply entertained!!! i danced all night
long....or so i thought coz at the end of the night i realized when i was walking
towards the exit, that it was the first time i moved in hours!!! i basically
unconsciously just stood there looking around, hugging people for a very long
time...i wasn't so entertained by staying immobile since the GA ;)
everyone was physically and mentally bulldozed...i can remember things like
stijn mesmerised by nothingness, ruth holding onto a marble column like a contorted
statue on the prow of a ship, we were like trees in a breeze...
the night ended and we went to sleep so we could wake up tomorrow to join the
national social programme in Nijmegen................NOT!!!!! noone in amsterdam
went, and they called each and every person, very concerned, asking whether
they were also at Jeremy's party, and whether they were still alive since they
were supposed to wait for us at the station there....that's kind of the end
of that story, since the days that followed were kind of on the same lines to
a lesser extent...ryan is now here and we're taking him around, and telling
him tales about our 3 weeks here...
update on the behaviour of the maltese:
- ryan: still a virgin, but not for long >:)
- mark: alternates between knitting, ecstatically swaying to music by brian
may and freddie mercury, being a shivering gray faced drug fiend, getting horny
on products of marks and spencer's and giving the looks to passing gay folk

- elaine is now also a drug fiend, prostitutes herself, and sells cat fur on
the blackmarket on various bridges on the many canals here
- ruth urinates, sheds fur, howls at the moon and at strangers and reads a treacherous
guidebook that is a written conspiracy to make people poor..
all for now...a possible final chapter is to follow but don't hold your breath....

love, frozen windmills, steel clogs and foreign funghi
j E r E m Y ?


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